Withdrawal; Signposts and Recovery

“ We were doing the withdrawing;” we were choosing to take back or withdraw the energy which we had been squandering on futile pursuits. This very energy, now back within us, was helping us to become whole people"  Sex and love addicts Anonymous First Edition pg -113 

The beginning stages of our step and recovery process is what our literature calls withdrawal. This stage is a beginning of healing from the pain of numbing out on a person, sex or situation and allows us to be available to our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual life. Often times this occurs after we have created bottom lines and are withdrawing our energy from the addictive behaviour. Through letting go of the addictive situation we are able to look at our own stumbling blocks, behaviors, and challenges that create a disconnection between ourselves and the power that will help us not act out, stay sober and as a result identify what creates a disconnection between ourselves, other people and the cycle of ill health in relationships.

Luckily this process does not continue forever! The SLAA handbook gives us signposts when withdrawals is on its way out and we enter into a new state of being.

Signpost #1

 “the first signpost was a growing awareness that we were now quite seasoned at dealing with temptations on a regular basis. Those situations which had been so transfixing in the earlier phases of withdrawal were now easily if not always comfortably handled” – Sex and love addicts Anonymous First Edition pg 112-113

Some personal examples of this can come in simple situations.

Ex:

• If my bottom line is no internet dating and I have a tough day at work or feeling irritable and my head tells me to go on a dating site I simply don’t do it. 

• If I come across a situation or person that I would have found seductive such as an unavailable man, or a promise of an easy hook up without strings, I find myself easily able to say no, walk away or implement a three-second rule or simply see this person as a child of god who is often sick or wrong like myself. I learn to become compassionate instead of angry.

• If my past behaviour is anorexic/avoidance. I find myself easily able to tolerate being in the presence of others. I find that when my thinking tells me to leave or to say no to a social situation I say yes

       To summarize Signpost 1 there is an evident change in my thinking and my actions. In my experience, it is also a change of heart. I no longer resent myself or others for being as they are, I learn to love myself as god loves me and then I am less likely to use another power than god to help me live my life.  Essentially I am free.

Signpost #2

“The second signpost…was that we were no longer concerned with how much longer we would have to abstain from sexual or romantic entanglements…we could see that they really consisted of this underlying thought: “ How long do I have to refrain from acting out before I can begin to act out again?... As long as we were on the road to growth, time didn’t matter so much… the fear of being deprived of our addiction was the real fear behind our concerns about time. In coming to terms with this fear the chances were great that we were becoming ready for the withdrawal phase to wind down”Sex and love addicts Anonymous First Edition pg 113

The second signpost is a bit trickier. Some versions of working the steps in SLAA may have the promise of dating later on after certain amounts of step work have been completed, or there may be no mention of it whatsoever. The whole point of this passage is a warning that one must engage in checking motives as the addiction my somehow be underneath my thinking.   

True freedom for me was when I started experiencing that lack of “ concerns about time” when I started to see how futile my sex and love strategy was in my life. Having the pain removed from the sex and love strategy was more important to me than dating. When the pain was overcome I entered a state of happiness and neutrality. A space of internal content over whether or not I was dating or in a relationship with someone. I, therefore, become neutral to the idea. Often times this can occur after I have done all the steps and a significant amount of 12 step work. Through being of service I start to be rid of my self-centered desires and plans and open up to gods plan.

 In addition,  god can and has ( in the past) brought someone into my life where we continue to be together despite my intentions not to or to continue. More importantly is whether or not we continue does not influence my happiness. I may feel sad or happy to be with or without that person but it does not replace that deep inherent connection between me and my higher power. 

The signposts in my experience are in short promises that

1) I can and will obtain the freedom of choice granted I work the steps and continue to be humble to this new way of life in recovery

2) That I will learn a new happiness and become neutral to the idea of whether or not I am in a relationship. I learn contentment beyond my wildest dreams where my hearts desires are fulfilled with the grace of gods love

When I outweigh the addiction to what the results of my withdrawals will be I find what I was searching for all along. Love <3