Fear; a cycle of diconnection

The program of SLAA provides me a way to solve the problem of fear in a way that creates manageability, brings connection and peace. Without SLAA in my life, I am caught in an endless cycle of fear that stops me from living and dictates that suicide is the only way out.

When I take inventory on my fear, at first sight, it can be surface level. It could be fear of losing a partner, potential mate, friendships, family, and friends. I then find myself in the trap of using my relationships and external circumstances to solve the irritability brewing below the surface.

I break my fear down by

 1) Identifying what I would loose that I already possessed and

2) Identify what I think I would fail to get that I demanded

3) Continue to ask why I have this fear

After I take it through the inventory I am able to see the truth.

For example, I have often found a repeated pattern of the fear of being alone in active addiction and in recovery. Although I have this fear, the way I think I need to solve this problem creates more of it without me noticing. Much like an alcoholic who drinks his restlessness away to only have it return five drinks later with a larger mess on one's hands, I may try to solve my fear by using external circumstances, love and relationships leaving the fear brewing beneath the surface. It becomes evident as the more interaction is needed to the obsessed object or fantasy and attempts to obtain the thing I think that will quench my fear. At this point I have crossed the line into insanity, thinking that a relationship, fantasy or something will quench my fear.  In addition, I have slipped into selfishly wanting something to make me feel ok , as the object won't cut it ,  creating a disconnection between me and God and the item of my obsession. As a result, I end up getting less of what I need.  This neediness begs me for more and then before I know it I've acted out, the person I have longed to be close to leaves, or if it's a  fantasy it interferes with my life, work or relationships and I am back to square one where I am now alone and experiencing the thing I fear the most.

Now this cycle can happen numerous times without me knowing and even more so in active addiction. Unless I have a power to help me see it I won't. The program gives me that power. It gives me a tool of inventory from this inventory I then ask my higher power/ god to direct my thinking and let me play the role that my HP wants me to play.

However, beware of the self-knowledge "why" trap when you do this inventory. I have often found myself in the knowledge of my fear and then continue on to identifying the " why" as having its origins in childhood experiences. I then can get caught in the trap of blaming my fear on this circumstance keeping me trapped in wanting a parent to cure me. This knowledge is helpful, however, only in as much as I use it for the needed desire to change my thinking and taking helpful action. For this direction, I am reminded of the third step.

The third step reminds me that my Higher power is taking care of me now and I no longer need to blame a parent for my endless neediness. I can call upon the power of God through prayer and get that need meet.  In addition, I can take action of switching from neediness and obsession to spiritual action by helping others, being considerate, being enthusiastic about my day and work to help me overcome fear.  All of these of which have more infinite power than my best thinking which is to continue to chase or fantasize to quell my fear. Recovery has given me relief, peace and a state of well being that are beyond whatever my fantasy or love addicted obsession could cure.

For that I am grateful